Shaun Groves
Becky almost married the wrong man. Today he’s a police officer in Fayetteville, Arkansas. I know his name and his address and his phone number and about the night he strangled her until she passed out and was left for dead on an apartment floor. I know about the punches she took, the bruises they left. I know about the friends he chased away and the distance he put between her and everyone who cared. I know about the pounds she shed and the books she read hoping he’d stop calling her fat and stupid. I know about the constant checking in he required, the caged life he slowly backed her into.
Becky came home from a friend’s house last night and hugged me harder and longer than usual. The woman she and other women spent the evening huddled around and listening too is married to a man very much like Becky’s college boyfriend. Cunning. Duplicitous. Charming. Moody. Loved by all who don’t truly know him. Violent and verbally abusive and always deeply sorry and trying to change. A Christian. A fraud. An ass.
And I’m angry.
I’m angry because his friends and his family didn’t stop him before it came to this.
I’m angry because there’s no justice in this world. There’s no karma. No payment equal to the pain.
And there’s my telephone and here’s my blog and I have the power with either to destroy two cruel men – to strip them of dignity and position and even possessions. To make them pay.
I’m feeling a small jolt of the powerful impulse that moves men to war against each other. Anger is powerful. Vigilante justice is very attractive.
And this morning I’m tempted.
mdaele says:
i bet it is
sometimes the anger is inescapable
even now 25 years later
peace to you
and resolve…
Jason_73 says:
I to have had awful, wicked things happen to my dearest love ones, and I know that the most powerful weapon isn’t a blog or a telephone, but the Holy Spirit. Not to sound trite and generic in such a difficult time, but their sin will find them out. God is able to deal with that. If there is abuse then you should certainly report it to every authority you can, as for publicly exposing them… that is a hard one. I will pray for healing and grace for you guys this morning. I did learn through all of our trials, that this kind of sin is a cycle, that people hurt because they have been hurt. Sorry to drop out of no-where and wax Dr. Phil.
Brody Harper says:
I’m afraid I would have your back on that.
Mark says:
Take it from me, publically exposing them would feel good today, but you’d regreat it tomorrow.
Mark
Shawn says:
Man…this is a tough read. I am someone who knows anger is a great motivator although not a righteous motivator. I have, since being an adult, been one of those people who will confront bullies(I use this term to cover anyone who will overpower someone else who is not able to stand up for themselves) who take advantage of people. I do this for many reasons, many of them selfish as I feel I am somehow getting back at all those people from my childhood who tourmented me.
This man, and I use this term loosely because of his apparent actions, needs to be brought to justice. The manner inwhich this person is brought to justice is the question.
I myself could not confront such a person in a righteous way, I beat the crap out of my childhood best friend after he slapped his girlfriend. He had the gull to do this while I was in the room. I will say this, after that incident he was no longer my friend, while he may have had physical reminders of the consequence of his inappropriate action, he continued to do the same things later on I was told.
There is no easy way to handle this situation, and I am one of those people who would be willing to woop a guys ass for innappropriately touching a woman in any way even if this meant flying somewhere. So you may want to consule some of your more mature Christian brothers on this matter, as you can see I cannot give good advise, or for that matter, advice that will not land you in legal trouble. I guess I would just report it to the police, even if it was not the wishes of the woman, but it saves you a little jail time and a lawsuit.
So I will just say a prayer for you that you seek appropriate justice in this case and do it in a godly, righteous manner, without being an enabler to this scum.
Shawn
The Redneck Neighbor says:
I know shame on me…but I’m in.
Seth Ward says:
I haven’t done much research on this because fortunately, I don’t have any immediate family members who have experienced this but is there a ‘type’ of girl that is more prone to be attracted to the abusive guy or is it usually bad luck? I know sometimes girls will gravitate towards men that resemble their fathers but I know some who ended up in abusive relationships that had very kind fathers.
Just wondering if you or anyone knew about this.
Sorry to hear about this. I can’t stand the thought of a man abusing his wife in any way.
Shaun Groves says:
Becky thinks she stayed with her abusive fiance because she was ashamed, as a preachers kid, to admit she’d made a mistake and afraid of embarrassing her family. She was first attracted to the guy because, like her father, he was very charismatic – a charmer that walked into a room and turned it toward himself naturally and effortlessly. He was also, she thought, was much better looking than what she deserved. This feeling of “I should be grateful such an amazing guy likes me” kept her in a pattern of rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for it.
Her father was not abusive in any way. There’s no pattern of abuse in her family. There is a pattern of being drawn to fixer-uppers in part because her family taught her compassion and the power of God from an early age. Satan (I’m going there, so watch out) I think, uses the strengths of our faith against us. Her strength is empathy. He uses that to draw her into relationships that require it – he guilted her into staying with her jerk boyfriend by making her think she was his only hope. Staying was doing God’s work. Leaving was being unloving.
I’ve met, I’d guess, fifty women and girls on the road and in church ministry who are Christians and in abusive relationships. I wonder if that’s not a common “type” Satan preys on: The compassionate.
As for the type of guy: I know details about only five abusive men. All of them were/are ministers in some form or another. Becky’s boyfriend was a pastor’s kid (his father was abusive to his mother) and he himself was very involved in church and leading a small bible study group. Another was the pastor of a church I played at. His wife confided in me after the show. Another is a Christian recording artist. Another a music minister.
I wonder if these guys use ministry as a way of telling themselves they’re not so bad really. Or is there another reason abusers are drawn to ministry?
I read a stat once that the military and law enforcement also have a higher rate of spousal abuse than the rest of America. Again, positions of respect and authority, jobs that are thought of as good and noble. Odd.
-SG
paxequus says:
I am from Fayetteville, AR. Not there now–but there are people/institutions to address such things.
WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE PARTNER MOVES TOO FAST TOO SOON: This can seem exciting at first, but it will pay off to take your time to get to know your partner. Most abusive relationships begin quickly and intensely. Once you realize that you are being controlled it is more difficult to leave because you are so deeply involved.
QUICK TEMPER: Does your partner have angry outbursts? Is your partner threatening when he or she is angry? Do they play with weapons or threaten to use them? Are you afraid when your partner is angry? These are signs that they like things their way and do not have the skills to resolve conflicts in a reasonable manner.
EXTREMELY JEALOUS OR POSSESIVE: Controlling people tend to be very possessive, which is often interpreted at first as “He/She just really cares about me.” This is not the case – they want to control you. If your partner tries to tell you who to spend time with or tries to cut you off from your friends, or gets jealous when you talk to other people, they are attempting to isolate you from others.
USE OF PUT DOWNS AND CRITISIM: Does your partner criticize you often? Do they blame you or others for things that go wrong? Do they put others down often? Are you starting to wonder if maybe something is wrong with you? These are signs that he or she may have low self-esteem and need to belittle others in order to feel good about themselves.
ALCOHOL OR DRUG ABUSE: This does not cause someone to be controlling or abusive, but it often intensifies his or her anger or abusiveness. Alcohol also reduces your ability to avoid dangerous or undesirable situations.
BLAMES OTHER PEOPLE: When things go wrong is it always someone else’s fault? Do they always have an excuse? If they get a ticket, it’s because the cop was hiding behind the bushes. If they are not successful at work, it is because the boss is impossible. Someone like this can not accept responsibility for their actions and will not listen to criticism. They will start to blame you too, and often they are good at making you believe it.
SELF-CENTERED: Someone who thinks about fulfilling his or her own needs is a bad risk. Do they not care about what you think? Do they always decide for both of you where you will go and what you will do? This behavior will usually only get worse and shows that they do not value your opinion as equal.
Gabe is a very loveable fellow. At times he can be someone very different. He needs to choose to seek out and accept counseling. I don’t think he is beyond help. Occasionally, he would open up and acknowledge his actions for what they were. Since the spring of 2000 up through the spring of 2003 I experinced every one of the warning signs listed above. For me, the relationship began and became fairly involved quickly. The next big red light was obsessive jealousy and completely with out justification. I went out of my way to avoid my friends simply because we had dated most of them ten years or more prior with years of plutonic friendship between. I would come home to find that my possessions had been pilfered through and photos shredded and burned. Under the threat of termination of our relationship I was not allowed to attend the wedding of two of my dear friends simply because I had dated them long ago. Due to the fact I had dated guys from other ethnic and religious groups I was constantly chastized, publicly humiliated and my friends were threatened with physical violence if they ever dared to show theirselves in my presence. I was not allowed to invite anyone to our wedding that I had previously dated. Perhaps you think, big deal, well these people were his friends too! At least until he started dating me, then he refused to even acknowledge them. Some of my closest friend’s feelings were really hurt because they weren’t invited. How could I tell them the reason? You can ask anyone who was present when we were togehter, I never once gave him a reason to be jealous. I bent over backwards to avoid any potential situation to the point of absurdity. I could go on and on about all the things that happened, but I think you get the point. He began by being verbally abusive, the more I took the worse it got. I questioned myself many times, Is this my fault? Maybe I did do something terrible, maybe I do deserve to be called these horrible names. Maybe I am a bad person. Then I asked myself, how could someone treat another person this terribly, be so abusive toward them, yet still claim to love them?
Don’t let this happen to someone else.
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Shaun Groves says:
On topic.
Nancy Tyler says:
Very much on topic. Stories like that are what first got me wanting to minister to people in Christian music. I sure love and pray for you all in Nashville. My heart’s with everyone who’s working through the light and the darkness of the Christian music industry.
Thinking back a couple posts…I think the military and law enforcement abuse stats are so high because those are both jobs that carry unimaginable stress with them. And both jobs require those who are in them to be trained to act violently when necessary without giving it a second thought. So carrying that violence home could be easy for someone who is prone to acting out at home.
I don’t know any stats about abusers being more prevalent among people in ministry–I have heard a lot of anecdotes though and know some personally too. I’ve also known a number of psych students/psychologists who were drawn to that field because they themselves were so messed up and they were somehow trying to fix themselves.
Professional ministry and Christian showbiz are great places for an abuser to hide. Stars on the pulpit or on the stage are untouchable heroes that their fans and followers couldn’t imagine in an abuser role. And shame is so strong, families can’t reveal what’s going on. Leaders or stars and their families are isolated from the rest of the congregation or the crowd. So it’s hard for them to find people they can trust to come clean to. I’m so grateful that this woman did, to your families Shaun and Brody. I’m praying as you all work through what to do next.
Grovesfan says:
Shaun,
I’m afraid I’d be signing up along with you, Brody and Redneck to make sure this person was forever incapable of harming another.
Being confronted by his wife and a large group of other abuse victims in a public place (this would obviously take prior planning) and then having his wife leave immediately for an undisclosed location, might at least humiliate him for the short term and allow her to get away; while making sure there are plenty of witnesses around in case he decided to take action.
Beth
Cali Amy says:
Nancy,
You are so right about some of the people who go into the field of psychology…they are often looking to get fixed and it’s the only way they know. Of course, I don’t think it’s a conscious choice.
It’s really hard to hear these stories. It’s hard enough for a woman in this situation to get out if her husband or boyfriend is your average joe but when they are in the ministry, everything is so much more difficult. There is definitely added pressure. I grew up a PK and though my dad certainly never abused me, I know a little about the pressure of not messing up and not rocking the boat. Everyone knows your business and if you “screw up” big time it affects a huge group of people. I was relunctant to even talk about my parents when I went first started counseling.
But if someone is being violent, I think it’s really important to remove yourself from that situation and make your story known to the right people. Thank God this woman has friends and I hope she gets the help she needs.
And while it might feel good to beat someone up who has hurt another in such unthinkable ways, I doubt it’s the best way to bring true healing to the situation. but i can understand being tempted.
jwise says:
I spent my hour long trip home thinking and praying about this situation, Shaun. I see a lot of people who’d be right behind you to get even with these guys. Understandably so, I suppose.
The smiter’s come to slap your face again. Worse, your wife’s face. Or the face of another beloved sister. Are you no longer bound to wish peace and mercy upon him?
It’s easy to preach and teach and even sing about mercy, but it isn’t until these very situations that we are put to any real test.
Yes, these guys deserve to rot in the pit of hell for all of eternity. But geez, so do the rest of us. Or do we just say so in our Christian circles? Blessing and mercy and grace… right up until someone wrongs us.
God is far more concerned with developing in you a character like that of Christ. A character that seeks redemption and restoration and mercy.
How do you deal with these guys? First, you’ve gotta resolve that above all else, even if it costs you your life or the lives of the ones you love the most, you will give your last breath to see these men redeemed from the hell in which they live and made into holy and glorious images of the living God.
The rest is easy.. we just obey.
“Take the lives of our sons and daughters
Lead me out like a lamb to slaughter
I will never turn, I will never turn from you”
Aims says:
Hey just remember that as a Christian brother it would be in your best interest and your duty as an upright righteous brother in Christ to direct any abusive “Christians” back toward the correct path no matter the cost to him as long as it’s not his soul. It’d be better than letting them burn in Hell. That’s all in the Bible I just paraphrased it…A LOT.
maxwedge says:
Be very careful. A blowtorch and a pair of pliers might seem like the thing to do. It would, however, not help the situation. First thing is to get her to leave him. Make her feel safe. Get her away. She is the one to help first. If she is in physical danger of him trying to get to her then let him know that if he tries to hurt her, he will be using a colostomy bag in his near future. I have dealt with this situation. Empower her to be able to make decisions without him having any influence. Cut him out of the picture!! Let her know people really do love her and that the problem is HIS not HERS! There is nothing wrong with her. He will need help, but you will then become the enemy! Helping him may not be your task to undertake. Concentrate on her! She may see you as playing both sides. He will hate you for taking away the power and influence he had. HE may actually love her, but he loves the control of her more. This will confuse and anger him. If he is in law enforcement or the military, let his superiors know. A person like that should not be in the trusted position he has. If his department has an Internal Affairs let them know that you are involved and helping her. Go with her to file a complaint. Let them know that you will not let this drop! You are commited all the way! She is your friend and you will not let her down! DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!! Take pictures, record phone calls, even if you think it is stupid, document it anyway. To start, Have her use a notebook and write down everything he has done. Use the notebook to write down anything that may happen. If is becomes necessary to file charges or heaven forbid use deadly force to defend yourself, you will have the ablity to show why the creep is now room temperature. I don’t know Tennesee law, but Texas recognizes that there are people that need killin’. Know how far you can go, then be willing to go!
maxwedge says:
BTW I’ve done the vigilante justice thing. If you have a soul at all, it doesn’t make you feel as good as you think it might. But the other person does get the point.
miss munky says:
I grew up in a family of abusive men and went on to marry my abusive boyfriend.
I eventually left him, but the abuse continued. I wound up hiding from him in a battered women’s shelter with our two children. I left him a letter telling him about this Great Guy I met that promised to never leave me and never forsake me.
Weeks later he found out where I was and begged me to come back. Against everyone’s wishes I went back. Things were sunshine and roses for a short time but soon he found out I was pregnant again and things escalated. I was scared for my life, and for the life our our preborn baby.
We went to a marriage retreat and after hearing the wisdom of Gary Smalley and company he promised to change. A few weeks later he slapped me and rather than fighting back I began to pack my bags. As I was packing he went to a church that we had been to one time and begged to see the Pastor. He came home and asked me if I would go to marriage counseling with him.
That was six years ago. In that six years he has not laid a hand on me…okay, that’s not entirely true, we did have a couple more kids in that time. LOL!
He surrendered himself to Christ and has been about as perfect a husband as a man can be.
Weather permitting, DH is supposed to be speaking to the men’s ministry group at our church Tuesday night and share his testimony (this and how he was freed from sexual sin).
I’m not saying any of this to lessen what your dear wife or any other woman has gone through…these men should have their butts kicked…badly and often…but I just had to raise my little hand and say that violence isn’t the only answer.
Of course if you do decide to open a can of whoop @ss on him I’ve got a rolling pin you can borrow. (The old boardies will get that one. Hi Christy!! )
Jason77 says:
Man this post really gutted me when I read it because it is exactly how I feel about my wifes ex-fiance who was abusive towards her. Praying for you man….praying for us all who find ourselves in such a place.