Shaun Groves
We killed Santa. Gabriella, now six, was three when she asked us for the first time if he was real. “No,” we said, “but it’s fun to pretend isn’t it?” She was our first-born. We were reading far too many books. We wrung our hands over decisions as momentous as skim versus soy and feared the far-flung consequences of every wrong choice. Because of all this and my own tendency to doubt just about everything, I’m wondering once again this Christmas if I’m a bad boy for slaying Santa.
I’m sitting down with myself to get to bottom of all this Saint nixing once and for all.
Q: So why’d you do it? Why’d you kill the Claus?
A: I didn’t so much kill him as I moved him from one neighborhood to another, from real to pretend. It’s not killing the Big Bad Wolf to tell my kids he’s not real is it? Of course I guess that’s partly because they’re afraid of him. But what if I’m afraid of Santa Clause? Is moving him to the land of make believe so bad then?
Q: Afraid of a jolly old man with a bag full of toys, a jiggle in his belly, cute little elves and miniature reindeer? Why? What’s wrong with you? Have a bad photo session at the mall little fella?
A: We Christians talk a lot, especially me, about the dangers of making Christmas all about getting stuff right? Well, how do I expect my kids not to think consumerism is the heart of Christmas if Santa lives? The two are synonymous.
Q: Elitist freak.
A: I just don’t think any amount of MY parenting can separate Santa from stuff in MY kids’ heads. With Santa being real comes a real expectation on my kids’ part that they’ll get a sleighful of toys from him. So killing…I mean making Santa a fun pretend thing, was step one in making gifts secondary to our family’s Christmas celebration and tradition and making our family and faith the bulk of what it’s about.
Q: So all those parents out there, the millions of them who have their kids leave cookies and milk out on the hearth for Santa are damaging their kids? Harsh and a bit judgmental don’t you think?
A: Absolutely not. I just didn’t want my kids to associate Christmas with getting stuff, and I didn’t know another way to stop that at the time.
Q: At the time. So you would let the old man live if you had it to do over again?
A: You’re not going to let the whole killing Santa thing go are you?
Q: Nope.
A:I don’t know if I’d do it again. We did this on a whim really, by accident kind of.
Q: So now it’s not murder one. Are you entering a plea of guilty to the lesser charge of accidental manslaughter?
A: Well, yea. And not really. We had the chance to resurrect him and we didn’t take it so I guess we did…No, we never murdered anyone. We reasserted his makebelieveness last year when Gresham, then three, asked us if Santa was real. Again, we said, “No.” But back to how all this started-
Q: You’re a horrible person.
A: Listen. I think too much maybe – probably – but I’m not horrible. We had good intentions. We read this thing about how when kids discover Santa isn’t real it’s around age seven, the same age Christian kids start understanding the whole Jesus story. Well, all this came up in a conversation at a party. A psychologist was there-
Q: Oh geez, a psychologist?? Should have known.
A: Come on. Be mature. So, yea, this psychologist was saying that there are some in her field who fear revealing Santa, a formerly real person, as pretend could confuse kids about other real stories. It makes them, these psychologists say, rethink a lot of what’s real – at least for a short time. And doing that around the time they’re hearing fanciful stories about God becoming a man and walking on water could be detrimental to faith. But-
Q: Whatever.
A: I was going to say, but I don’t buy that now. It’s just that at the time, worried about screwing up my first child, it made sense enough to at least talk about what we’d do with Santa in our house.
Q: So some liberal shrinks got the ball rolling. What made you decide to lynch the poor guy?
A: Tony Campolo.
Q: Liberal.
A: He’s a sociologist. And a pastor too. he said something that made me rethink the whole Santa thing. He said Jesus had it easy. He said Jesus preached to a society that believed there were physical things that met physical needs and there were spiritual things that met spiritual needs. Our modern American culture is a more difficult place to teach self-less spirituality and simplicity because we’re convinced there are physical things that can meet our spiritual needs.
Q: That’s it? That’s just cause to off a saint that’s been making sugar plums dance in little heads for centuries??
A: No, I’d add to Campolo’s riff that America is also a place where we, especially certain groups of Christians, believe there are spiritual things (namely, God) that can and will meet our physical wants. And that’s what I don’t want to feed by keeping Santa Clause alive in our house – or real. I meant to say real.
Q: So believing a guy in a red suit comes down your chimney and leaves presents under the tree screws kids up how, exactly?
A: I don’t think it screws up anyone. I just want my kids to be countercultural in a good way and this is a good start. I want them to celebrate Jesus, this gift from God, not by obsessing over getting things but by giving and remembering the very real story of his birth. So this was a crazy attempt I guess at moving in that direction. It just seemed nuts to complain about how materialistic I and the rest of the adult world is this time of year and then turn around and raise my kids the same way we were raised.
Q: So now your parents messed you up?
A: No. Well, yes. I mean – look, my mom worked from six in the morning to six at night and then on top of that she made clothes to sell every Christmas. For what? To give me a few hundred dollars worth of stuff I can’t even remember getting today. I recall a basketball goal and a bike and that’s about it. What I remember most is great times with family, lots of food and hours spent circling things in a Service Merchandise catalog and begging for them. And my parents gave me just about everything I asked for, even if it nearly bankrupted them. They gave because they loved me, I realize. That’s the same reason I killed Santa Clause. A weird way to love kids I know, but I swear it’s working.
Q: How so?
A: Well, we don’t give them anything for-
Q: Horrible.
A: We don’t give them anything for Christmas. Grandparents do. You can’t stop grandparents from giving gifts. But we do ask them to moderate a little and they do – sometimes. And to make room for whatever loot the kids get and to teach them to give, they give something of theirs away. This year Gresham gave away a box of Matchbox cars. Gabriella gave away some toys she’s outgrown. They don’t whine about it either. It’s just part of Christmas like Santa was part of mine. They’ve been conditioned to think it’s normal. We drop off our donation and we talk about how God gave up his Son he loved very much because we needed him just like we give up clothes and toys we like a lot for kids who need them more than we do. Gabriella actually told the the other two all this a few days ago before I could. She’s got it down.
We helped out at a food pantry yesterday. We made Christmas cards for our Compassion child and the kids put a little bit of their allowance in for her caretakers to buy her anything she needs like clothes or books. Basically, moving past Santa and getting stuff has let us make giving and the Christmas story the bulk of what Christmas is in our house. And doing these things has made them want to do them all year. We now do a monthly service project as a family and that idea came out of how we celebrate Christmas together and wondering why we only teach kindness once a year.
Q: Oh, you’re so pious. Everyone look at how spiritual this guy is.
A: It’s not about that. We don’t have it figured out and we may look back one day and laugh at ourselves. I don’t know. I’m just trying to raise peculiar Christians – extremists. I’m not sure killing Santa was the best idea but it’s worked for us. No lists. No malls. No extra jobs needed to pay for things. No guilt about not getting them what they want. And more money left over to help people who really need stuff.
Q: Don’t you worry about ruining Christmas for other people’s kids? What if your kid tells theirs Santa’s a fraud?
A: My kids think everyone knows Santa’s pretend. It’s like this. My kids think the big bad wolf is pretend and they think your kids know that too. So why on earth would they ever tell your kids the wolf’s not real? It’s a given. My kids assume everyone already knows what they know about Santa. So far, so good.
Q: You have a two year old. When she asks about Santa is she getting the same answer?
A: Yep. It’s too late to change the story now. We’re stuck. And Gabriella’s already learning about the real Saint Nicholaus. We showed her pictures of where he’s buried and talked a little about how much he loved kids. If we don’t tell Penelope the truth about Santa, Gabriella will.
Now, I have a question for you.
If kids Santa isn’t real bothers us, why? What does that say about us? Do we react the same way when someone says the Tooth Fairy isn’t real? Why not? Could it be that without Santa many of us wouldn’t have much of a Christmas left? That’s what I’m trying to avoid. If “Jesus is the reason for the season” then why aren’t we at least more indifferent to the whole Santa thing?
Gaby says:
Shaun, you did it again. Just like your Dear Married Guy entry, you expressed exactly my wife and I’s approach about a specific subject and yet making it more through and more practical than. You rock! Thanks for your blog.
Shawn B says:
I just have one question Shaun. Are you really bored?
Gaby says:
Oh and I also wanted to thank you for lifting a heavy weight off my shoulders by confirming that I am not the only freaky weirdo who makes up pretend Q&A sessions between hisself and some pretend person in his head. Only I haven’t taken that extra step of posting for the whole world to see. yet.
Shaun Groves says:
Shawn B, I’m not bored. I’m a blogger.
Seth Ward says:
So what’s all this “Santa isn’t real” nonsense? I mean didn’t you see that national Geographic “The Santa Clause????” And, and, whooooos been eating those cookies all those years huh? Huh? So I ain’t buy Mr. Crampanalo’s theory and that’s all there is to it.
So when are you going to break it to her that it’s really a Christianized pagan Holiday and that Jesus was really born sometime in September?
Seriously, I think that was a pretty cool way to break it to her. I just caught my parents in the act (being Santa that is) and that was worse.
As for the tooth fairy, I always knew that was bologna, I would knock on their door bright and early asking them why the tooth fair hadn’t come with my cash.
Dave Haupert says:
I love your unique way of presenting your viewpoints! Even if I’m not in 100% agreement with you on something, I like that you attempt to present the full scope of why you are doing what you are doing.
My one suggestion as a Dad who is letting his kids believe in Santa for at least a while longer than you- your assumption that kids won’t ask your kids opinions on whether Santa is real will likely fail when kids do start discussing it. I know my brother’s son who is a bit older than my kids starting having doubts when he heard kids who had doubts. If there is one kid in the bunch who actually say that their Dad told them Santa is not real, that would truly be more than a doubt. And while I would never advocate having your kids lie to their friends to keep the fun going for them, I do think it would be easy enough to say to be sensitive to other kids and their parents desires to just not say anything.
My oldest son started noticing that some Santas have a fake beard and that they must not be real Santas. I agreed, and said, of course, Santa can’t be everywhere at once- he’s not God! But I told him to keep it to himself or between me and himself when he sees a fake-bearded Santa so as not to spoil the fun for the other kids. He’s been great about it and it’s nice to be able to share a secret with him as well. Just my opinion!
Brody Harper says:
One of the main things for me was the connection between Santa and Jesus.
Santa: Can’t see him but are told he is there.
Jesus: Can’t see him but are told he is there.
Santa: Years later find out he is not real and someone has been lying to you for years.
Jesus: Years later find out he is real and now you have to decide.
Shaun Groves says:
Thanks for lending your opinion, Dave. It’s a good one. I hope Gabriella doesn’t ruin the Santa thing for anyone else’s kids. I really do. Telling her that even adults like to pretend he’s real, so far, has given her something to tell herself when kids say their parents told them it’s true. She assumes the kid and the parent are just playing the game. And she plays along.
Let’s say though that the crystal balls says she will devastate some poor kid someday by telling him it’s all pretend. Is that reason enough to tell her Santa’s real all these years? Not saying you’re saying that. Just asking. Is it a big deal?
Kat says:
Shaun,
You certainly have a much more thorough explanation as to why you don’t tell your kids Santa is real.
My husband and I treat Santa like any other “character”. We tell them it’s fun to pretend but that’s all it is. If my four year old asks if that’s really Chuck E. Cheese walking around the restaurant, I say no, it’s just a person dressed up like a big mouse, but it sure is fun to pretend…she doesn’t seem crushed, it doesn’t seem to diminish her fun and we continue playing and pretending.
Sometimes I wonder if we as parents do things more for our own enjoyment than for our kids enjoyment. I think kids enjoy pretending as much as they enjoy believing things are real.
Here’s what’s important to us (my husband and I):
1. That our children know that we tell them the truth.
2. That our children know that we like to pretend to and that they are free to pretend.
3. That our children have hearts to share and give and not just to take and get.
I like a lot of the ideas you had about donating toys and making special cards for your Compassion children. Now that my girls are a little older I’d like to give them more opportunities to give. Thanks for the ideas.
Shane S. says:
Thanks for sharing that, Shaun.
I really like the ideas of emphasizing service and compassion with your kids. It’s a great way to emphasize the true reason that we celebrate Christmas.
Shawn B says:
Let me guess like pink is the new black “I’m not bored(old). I’m a blogger(new).” I’m giving you a hard time, if it wasn’t for people like you and Brant I would be bored(and that gets old).
Andrew Pflueger says:
Very cool post. I really like what ya’ll do about giving instead of recieving! That is very cool, probably something I will steal from you
However, I thought the idea behind the gift giving was to celebrate the gifts Christ was given by the Wise Men. Any thoughts on that?
Anyway…
All I really remember about Santa was some big red guy came out of my parents room, and I don’t know if I was scared but my mom told me it was my dad dressed up (“Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy, and Daddy Looked A Lot Like Him”) and from then on, I never believed Santa was real. Thought it was a cool make-believe thing, but never thought it was really real.
Better to no lead your kids on though. I think it was wise to tell.
Merry Christmas (in a celebrating Christ’s birth way, not practicing an ancient Pagan-festival way)…Here we go with the whole Halloween issue wrapped up with Christmas now…
Shaun Groves says:
I dare somebody to wish us Happy Holidays.
Double dog dare you.
I wouldn’t care but, man, do people get wigged out about that around here.
Andrew Pflueger says:
I totally agree man! I sell light up hats at the mall (Cool Springs Galleria) and one has a snowman on it and blinks Happy Holidays. Some lady came by the other day and BOOed me. Can you believe that? Out loud like she was at a sports game. “Boo, Boo, Happy Holidays, Boo!” I must have looked at her crazy cause she walked off quickly.
Well on that note….
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!
(I’m celebrating New Year’s too and Thanksgiving, so I’ll include both of those with Christmas)
Grovesfan says:
We don’t do the whole “Santa” thing either. We’ve told our kids the story of St. Nicholas many times and they love it. It’s a great reminder of a man who truly lived out his love for Christ. Our kids know that the Santa Claus (no “e” on the end) talked of today isn’t real. It is fun to pretend though and they enjoy that too. We do buy our kids Christmas presents and they know they are from us, not Santa. It is one way of saying “we love you,” but certainly not the only way. Our family traditions and time spent making those memories are what endures.
Beth
Laura says:
From the perspective of someone who was never encouraged to believe in Santa, I personally really appreciate that my parents were honest about it. Made me trust them that much more. Part of my Mom’s reasoning being that she believed until she was 12 and was devastated to find out the truth… not from her parents but from some less-than-nice other kids. Besides… Grandparents are better Christmas legends anyway, and they’re a true story!
Grovesfan says:
BTW Shaun,
Happy Holidays! I just couldn’t resist a double-dog-dare!
Beth
Dave Haupert says:
Jumping back a few postings Shaun- that’s a good question, I definitely don’t think you should lie to your kids just so they wouldn’t spoil someone else’s fun. Do you think some people don’t tell their kids just because it will spoil everyone else’s fun?
I do think perhaps since you are teaching them something in respect for what you feel their best interests are that it is a great time to teach them about others parent’s interests are for their children. And saying to stay quiet in that sort of conversation is not asking them to lie, or you having to lie to them.
If anything, you’re being more truthful by doing so- as right now, your telling them that all kids are pretending that Santa is real even though they know he is not real is actually a lie. There are many kids who believe Santa is real and we all know that!
Shaun Groves says:
Do you think some people don’t tell their kids just because it will spoil everyone else’s fun?
Nah, I don’t. But then why do people ask me if I’m not afraid that my kids will ruin it for someone else’s. Is that an issue or not?
Good point about the lie being telling my kids everyone is pretending. Hmmm, you’ve got me on that one.
Give me a minute to scramble for another argument.
Oh, forget you. You’re right about that. But Santa’s still dead. What should I tell them then? It’s hard to put the actual truth in six year-old and four year-old terms. The truth sounds more fictitious than the fiction. Most kids think Santa is real and they think that because their parents told them he is. And we don’t want their parents’ lie to get found out so just don’t mention the whole Santa isn’t real thing.
Sure I could be more diplomatic than that, but it’s still pretty strange sounding.
I’ll stick with my lie until they’re old enough to grasp the complex truth. I don’t know what else to do. Do you?
Stephen @ Rebelling Against Indifference says:
Happy Holidays, Shaun. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Merry Christmas. We have to remember the reason for the season: Shopping. Did you not get the memo about Christ wanting His name reduced to a marketing gimmick?
Russ says:
I grew up in a home sans-Santa. Didn’t harm me or my 3 siblings. My parents didn’t feel comfortable with the whole “pretend” thing so they didn’t. No biggie.
I think in retrospect looking back, I’m grateful, because I realize that my entire childhood Christmas experience was oriented around who Jesus was and how God “gave” to us (giving).
Good post. I think a family can approach this topic with sensible practicality and authenticity without being “horrible childhood dream-killers” for “slaying” Santa.
God’s Best…
-russ
Denise says:
I don’t have much. I appreciate everyones points of view. I appreciate the “Santa slaying” or whatever you want to call it. I am just wondering one thing. . .SANTA IS NOT REAL!!!!!!!, so why in the world do we have to spend so much time debating whether or not to tell or kids? It is a BIG lie! I can not seriously believe that anyone would even question what to tell their kids. Are we transparent? Are we honest? Come on! 🙂
Marlo says:
Slaying Santa happened by accident with our firstborn too, almost 13 years ago, and there are times I’ve wondered if it was the right thing. But we did it again with our second, and just now with our third who is four. Because for us, it is the right thing. We do give presents to our kids, limiting it to three gifts (a need, a want, and a book or two). I LOVE giving gifts, but it’s what works for us. . . .a season of giving and loving and celebrating, with intentional focus on the One who love and gives best.
Penny says:
It never occurred to me not to include Santa in my Christmas with my children until my oldest was to old to believe any longer and my youngest was 6.
I was raised in a very religious household and yet somehow we still had Santa growing up.
Now that I’ve become aware there is another way, I wonder why we had Santa in our house in the first place. And I regret allowing him to be as big as he is.
So if you run into another self-argument about if you did the right thing, think of this: I wish we had done exactly as you have. Not that the confirmation from and internet stranger makes it okay… yeesh.
But know that while some might not agree with you, other do.
Jennifer says:
Just found this from a link on Holy Experience. We also told our three kids that Santa was pretend. We never wanted to hear the question, “If Santa’s not real, then is Jesus real?” And our kids got gifts, but only three because Jesus got three presents. And nothing elaborate. Christmas has always been more about Jesus than gifts — it’s still that way today and our kids are in their 20s.