Shaun Groves
The woman in the center seat complains to the man against the window that the conference wasn’t all that helpful. “Do you work together?” I ask.
One hour later I’ve learned the pair are university science professors irritated at how hard it is to get funding for research that has no potential to earn a corporation millions. I’ve learned she’s a single mom. When her worst fear was confirmed by a pregnancy test, her boyfriend left and her family cut ties. She has no use for them or their faith now.
“Do you actually believe Jesus walked on water or came back to life? I just can’t believe in miracles.”
She makes herself uncomfortable with this blurted confession and quickly changes the subject back to her research, her original motivations for being a professor, how teaching isn’t changing the world like she dreamed or giving her enough time to be a better mom, how insignificant and guilty she feels so much of the time.
And then she hides her face in her hands and begins to cry. “I wish I believed in miracles,” she whispers.
This sort of thing happens to me all the time now. But never before I met Becky. My wife has a gift for bringing big moments out of small talk and she’s taught me how. “Everyone wants to talk about themselves,” she says. They just need the right question.
When did you…
…know this is what you wanted to be when you grew up? …meet her? …know you were really good at that?
How did you…
…feel when she said that? …learn how to do this? …know he was the one?
Why did you…
…study that? …move there? …give up on that dream?
My life is spent in conversation with strangers – on airplanes, at conferences, in the lobby after a concert. Some days I’m all talked out and greedy with my attention. I slip in my ear plugs and sleep on the flight home. I get lost in a book or a slew of emails in need of replies. But on better days bigger things happen.
“Will you pray for me?” the woman in the center seat finally asks. “Oh…what am I…never mind,” she backtracks.
“Absolutely.”
“My sister is sick…” the man in the window seat breaks his silence.
There is no small talk. Listen generously. Ask good questions.
Kelli says:
Talking with strangers is not a skill I’ve mastered, but I’ve gotten better at it thanks to my husband. He’s never met a stranger, and within minutes of meeting, he can make someone feel like they’re the only person in the room. I’m awkward. I don’t know what questions to ask. I go all Chandler Bing from FRIENDS and make weird jokes that don’t fit into the conversation.
I’ve gotten better, but I’m not great at it, and planes make me the most nervous at all, because I have no quick escape if the conversation goes dry. I admire people who have this skill, and for those who work to hone it rather than burying their heads in a book, which is what I tend to do.
Of course, the last time I was on a plane, I was reading a sad book and I ended up ugly crying, prompting the guy in the cowboy hat next to me to hand me a Kleenes with a gentle, “You alright, darlin’?”
I can be awkward even without talking. 😉
Shaun Groves says:
What? I’m not buying it, Kelli. I’ve seen you start a conversation and carry it well…in Russian…in Tanzania. Yes, your husband could talk about anything with anyone (the dude oozes charisma) but you’re no slouch yourself. ; )
Kelli says:
Well thanks for that affirmation. You’re right – I’m probably better at it than I give myself credit for, but I really only learned how to strike up conversation because of Lee. For me, it is a practiced skill, and not something that comes naturally. Lee gets a buzz from meeting new people. 🙂 And the whole speaking to Russians thing – Lee taught me to do that, too. When we were first married, if he heard anyone speaking Russian, he’d shove me in front of them and tell them I spoke Russian, and suddenly I was like a little dancing monkey. I used to hate it, but he taught me to celebrate that skill. So basically, my husband is amazing. Kinda like your wife.
We married up. 😉
John Stickley says:
Thanks for sharing stories like this, Shaun! As part of a church plant (something I certainly didn’t see coming a year ago), I LOVE being able to share your stories to inspire our small group of Christ-followers to do the little things necessary to make a difference in the lives of people we come in contact with daily in our city!
Shaun Groves says:
Wow! Well, I’m honored to play the tiniest part in your church. Thanks for the encouragement!
Amy Dixon says:
People always want to be heard. Things happen when they find the person who will listen. I am a listener. I ask questions, I make friends. People know I care. Do you ever feel, sometimes, that there is no one to listen to you? Sometimes, when the tables are turned, I get the feeling that the other person just doesn’t know how to respond, so they don’t.
Shaun Groves says:
I struggle with this on Becky’s behalf. She tends to attract friends who do all the talking and seldom ask how she’s doing. She pours out more than she gets poured into in these relationships. How do you deal with that?
Emily says:
I can relate! I’m also a natural listener and love to hear others’ stories, particularly when I can tell that someone hasn’t had the chance to talk about their story much. It is indeed what I do to show love. However, I also struggle with not having others listen to me or ask how I’m doing…..I think it’s like the love language thing, we often extend acts of love to others in ways that we ourselves feel loved.
Mary (http://owlhaven.net) says:
Such a good reminder…
Brad Richardson says:
Shaun, you rock, and so does Becky. So few people in society slow down and listen any more. Real empathy is precious.
Shaun Groves says:
Becky rocks. I just copy her.
BeckyB says:
I love this reminder of how easily a question can open a door to a God-inspired conversation. Thanks Shaun!
Lisa-Jo Baker says:
This is so good. Taking notes.
Chandra says:
Goodness, I needed this! I am going to print it and keep it handy. I am the WORST small talk person. Ever. This was perfect!
Melissa Turner Jones says:
This is a skill that I very much want to master. I’m taking small steps in forcing myself to say anything at all while sitting at swimming lessons and baseball practice. Hoping someday to be a good listener instead of being wrapped up in my own stuff (or a good book)!
Beth says:
Thanks so much for this timely reminder! I’ve been trying to ask better questions to my students and even to try to talk more to those around me, the cashier, the janitor at school. What started as a way to honor them (to thank them using their name (that I saw on their badge, especially at the store)) is now becoming just part of my “normal”….trying to listen more to the people around me.
Melissa Parker Cable says:
I am a total extrovert and love talking to people, but what hit me about this is, I can never bring it out of small talk or generic life talk, and really get to the heart. Neighbors, kids friends parents, I just can’t seem to get deeper in some of these ongoing generic discussions, I love the questions you implied and how to get there.
Amanda says:
Thank you for these suggestions, Shaun! I’ve always felt awful at small talk, and would rather jump to deep topics — and these questions help me see how to get there without being awkward. 🙂 I once met a pastor who was amazing at drawing people out, and admire that skill! It’s such a great way to share the gospel, too, while really listening to people’s hurts and needs.
Carol Hobbs says:
This happened to me today! And I ended up praying with a sobbing woman. Asking Jesus for a miracle. Thanks for sharing.
Jennifer Pinkelman Kujawa says:
Our church group has been talking about this recently. We really want to learn how to be people like this, and your questions are super helpful! Here in the north, it’s hard to break down people’s walls, and takes intentional conversation. Part of it is really a disobedience to God and fearing what others will think. Maybe we should be more concerned about what God thinks! Thank you for the reminder that it’s not as hard as it seems to make meaningful conversation:)