“Please monkey bars,” he’s said every day for almost four months.
He climbs the ladder in his Spiderman boots, stands on the platform – “Ipent do it.”
“You can do it, Sambhaji. You’re very strong. You’re Spiderman!”
He grabs the first yellow ring and considers swinging out alone. “Please help, Daddy.”
And I do. Every day I walk beneath him, beside him, encouraging with one hand loosely holding just above his knee. I’m doing nothing to help him across really. I’m just present.
Presence is his constant need.
So much so that being fully present with anyone else – Becky and my other three children – has been rare. And so we’ve been apart while being together all day almost every day.
Isolation brings moments of impatience and irritability and loneliness and retreat. Two weeks ago I told Becky, “I want to lock myself in the bathroom for an hour or four – just to not be needed you know?” Becky nodded along as we stood holding each other in the kitchen. “Ipent do it,” I joked and she groaned agreement. And then I walked off to help Sambhaji use the toilet and she sat down at the table and explained greatest common denominators.
I had time to post on the blog. Sure. Late at night. Early in the morning. But I chose to stay married instead.
And then came the Together For Adoption conference in Phoenix last week. Like standing under a waterfall in the desert. This will sound terrible to some of you but, the most helpful thing about it? Hearing how much harder international adoption has been for other families. We’ve got it easy I thought over and over again. Gratitude comes at the expense of others sometimes huh?
People gave me books, e-mail addresses of experts and websites and more books and their own stories. Their own stories of what worked and didn’t work, of how they stayed connected to biological children while forging connection with their newly adopted child, and how husbands helped best…waterfall.
I came home rested and resourced and things are so much better this week that – look! – I’m blogging. Small miracle, folks. Just one of many.
Yesterday Sambhaji climbed the ladder, stood on the platform – “Ipent do it.”
“You can do it, Spiderman. I know you can.”
He gripped the first ring and swung out to the next. I clapped. “Great job, Spiderman!” I yelled.
“Ipent do it,” he said, swinging for the next ring and taking hold of it.
“Awesome! You’re doing it!”
“Ipent do it,” he whined, wrapping his fingers around another ring.
“Amazing! You are doing it! Keep going!”
What a smile when he reached the end, turned around and took hold of the first ring to swing back across. “Again! Ipen do it, Dad. You sit. Ipen do it.”
I slid off my shoes, laid my head back on the cool grass and watched Spiderman go back and forth overhead all by himself for what seemed like a couple hours. “Look, Dad! Ipen do it!”
Long enough to relax and really believe ipen do this daddy and husband thing too.
Lyli says:
He is beautiful. I know that God is going to do great things in and through Him. This post really put a smile on my face today. Thank you for sharing. May God richly bless your family.
CariK says:
pure awesomeness today Shaun! I needed this….so much…thanks!
Allison says:
Ugh note to self no more reading your blog at work!! I get too teary eyed. So sweet! Soon he will be behind the wheel before you know it, saying, ” ok dad I can do it.”
Shaun Groves says:
Well, I wasn’t teary eyed at all…until I read that. Thanks. Thanks a lot. ; )
krisyoursis says:
Thanks for the timely encouragement!
Shaun Groves says:
You’re welcome. Anything I can pray or do for you and yours, kris?
Jessica says:
Upen do it Shaun. I beyieve in you.
Shaun Groves says:
Whoa! I go away for a couple weeks and you change your face?
Jessica says:
That’s right, that’s how I roll.
Also, you should know that I have a very odd version of “All is Grace” stuck in my head right now involving the lyrics, “Upeeen, doo it”.
Lisa H says:
This is so great. And so are those spiderman boots. ๐
Kelli says:
So precious. I love reading this adoption journey that you’re on.
Shaun Groves says:
Are you headed to the Relevant conference this weekend?
Kelli says:
I wish. I was too late trying to buy tickets and it was sold out. I am comforting myself with Halloween candy and the Twitter stream…
Jessica says:
A to the Men.
Sarah says:
LOVE IT! He is precious. As is Becky and your other beautiful babies. And yes sir, being daddy and being husband FAR OUTWEIGHS being “super blogger” or “Compassion advocate extraordinaire” or even “soft rock star with great hair”. You have “chosen what is better” (see Luke 10:42).
Shaun Groves says:
We’ll come hang out with you all SOME day. Hope you have monkey bars! This kid is hooked.
Sarah says:
Don’t you worry… We can find him some monkey bars ๐
Jenn says:
“This will sound terrible to some of you but, the most helpful thing about it? Hearing how much harder international adoption has been for other families. Weโve got it easy I thought over and over again. Gratitude comes at the expense of others sometimes huh?”
I so get that. My daughter, Charlotte, has had one of the best outcomes with one of the worst heart defects, but my husband and I weren’t able to really appreciate just how easy we had it until we encountered other families who had much more difficult journeys.
Of course the other side of our “easy time” is that Sambhaji and Charlotte have experienced pain that we, as their parents, have not experienced and cannot fully comprehend. I think it is part of God’s grace to them that he has given them families in which they are safe and free to heal.
(I did not mean to write that much! But I just love reading about your family’s journey with adoption and how Sambhaji is taking to all of you. He is such a doll.)
Jessica says:
Wow! Thanks for sharing that story! We are so at the beginning of our own story, that we, too stood under the waterfall at Together For Adoption. Trav, or “that guy”, and I are still processing and sorting and so grateful for this new community that we are slowly beginning to call ours. Thanks for posting. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for being real! We’re for YOU and what God is doing w/ your family! Your CD is really keeping us more present in the “real world” as Dan shared of the waterfall of God’s presence as we’ve come back to homestudy & fundraising & two crazy little boys!
Shaun Groves says:
Praying for you, Jen…and that guy. (And everyone else scratches their head…)
Jessica says:
We’ll keep them guessing! We need it! Keep on praying! Hoping to get you down our way next year!
Matthew W says:
It’s great to hear that things are going well (relatively). I have a friend whose family brought home their newly adopted little girl from Ethiopia last week. It’s crazy for them, but they’re making it through.
In other news, it looks like Sambhaji’s hair isn’t “yucky like yours” anymore! ๐
Kit says:
Great post, worth the wait! Thanks for sharing this!
Michael Patterson says:
Great post Shaun. We understand very well the desire to lock yourself away in the bathroom for a few hours. Daniela often says, “I can do it all by my sels.” Yet she wants us to be with her every waking moment. It’s tough to prepare for international adoption, and it’s been tougher than we could have imagined… and more rewarding!
whimzie says:
Upen do it, for sure!
One of my best friend’s is in the process of an international adoption. Although I’ve had friends who’ve adopted, this is the closest I’ve been to the journey. It’s not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure.
He’s beautiful. I’m glad he’s part of your family.
whimzie says:
*best friends (ignore that superfluous apostrophe, please)
Amy says:
I’ve definitely missed your posts. ๐ I’m glad that you chose marriage over blogging. Sometimes we have to do that.
What a blessing.
Tina says:
I’m so glad you can put up pictures–the smile on his face after he did it is just beautiful!
Rebecca says:
Need this today. Wepen do it, right? Or maybe Godpen?
Parenting, adoption, marriage…so hard and so good at the same time!
Jen Guarino says:
Nice to see you post again, I’ve been missing it. Upar doing a great job…keep it up!
Beth says:
This post speaks to me of the father heart of God. Reminds me how patient He is, when I continually cry out, “Help, Dad.” Reminds me how endlessly patient He is unto us.
carrie says:
I really needed to hear this today. Today my gratitude came at your expense. Ipen do it! Precious.
Ken Summerlin says:
This makes my heart happy and nostalgic for the days when my now adult sons were young. Thanks for reminding me of both the joys and challenges of the early years.
Alicia says:
Shaun,
Our son has been home for 17 mo. now and I so remember the total dependence, the total need to be the center of the universe. Missing the rest of the family while being surrounded with them. But it was so worth it! Filling our son’s love tank took time, more than I would have expected, but seeing him 17 mo. later is a miracle. Love changed him and loving him changed me. I see love, especially God’s love and sacrifice in a whole new way – just as you are.
Jason says:
Wonderful post. Thanks for sharing your story. We are hoping to one day adopt.
Marian says:
Oh man…After 16 months I expected myself to be on the other side of this wanting to crawl in a hole…but just today Tseganesh looks at me and says: I want three mommies. Two that are nice and then you.
Heart crumbles. Frustration flares and I ask: Oh yeah? So how many Daddy’s do you want? (Because I’m horrible and hoping my husband is failing as miserably as I am.)
Only one, she says. Daddy.
Sigh….
Adoption has shown me how beautiful her heart is and how sinful mine remains. Maybe I should have tried the bathtub because my parenting garb keeps getting stains.