Shaun Groves
The tide of doubt in parenting is crushing at times until I’m reminded of the limitations of even perfect parenting.
I think of God birthing his children, naming his boy and girl, walking in the Garden with them. I imagine him planting those delicious trees, providing food enough. I see him talking with Adam and Eve face-to-face, spending quantity and quality time with his kids every day. I hear him protecting them, setting those all-important boundaries: you can do all this but definitely don’t do that over there.
And they still didn’t believe he had their best interests in mind.
They still didn’t trust him.
They didn’t eat right.
And they’re own kids wound up in a fight to the death.
Even perfect parents aren’t guaranteed an all-happy ending without regret, distrust, pain, and dysfunction. Oddly, I take great comfort in such pessimism. And I want to call my mom and dad and tell them they did a good job…no matter how I turned out.
JessicaB says:
I’m getting a little paranoid about my always nearly first comment. It’s just that you post at time when I’m sitting here with my coffee!
Ahem.
Anyway. Thanks for this. Most days I feel crushed with guilt over parenting. Of course, my guilt lies more in my mistakes than theirs. But still.
Michelle ~ Blogging from the Boonies says:
Lightning Fingers Bowman.
Rebecca says:
Wow–did I need to read this today. Thanks Shaun!
And JessicaB–it always makes me giggle that you’re first.
JessicaB says:
Well, putting giggles into the world can’t be a bad thing, I guess.
JD says:
**giggling here too**
Paul Mitchell says:
Man! I really needed to hear this today! I had a very tough morning with my kids. It’s good to remember that even “perfect” homes with godly parents have problems. It seems like some days my kids just go out of their way to point out what selfish little sinners they can be.
Also… I hate to be the typo guy but someone didn’t spend enough time on “they’re” proofreading before posting this one.
Paul Mitchell says:
Guh… I alreddy feel bad for being the typo guy. I usually am able to resist getting myself involved in this type of internet skullduggery. I fully apologise and wish I could go up there and edit out my nit-pickling.
As a form of penance I’ve left some typos in this responce. Please feel free to point them out!
Kelli says:
Sometimes I look at my kids and wonder which one is going to break my heart. And I freak out and wish I could keep them little and the difficulties as simple as “He called me a dumb-head” or “She took my light saber.” It’s hard now, but it’s way less scary then sending them into the “Garden” of life and hoping they make right choices. Great posy!
Megan @ Faith Like Mustard says:
I’ve totally been freaking out about wanting to “keep them little” lately. With adolescence on the horizon, I’m scared silly. So, yes…this post is timely. 🙂
Kristie says:
It’s definitely not a cure-all, but I’ve had the same “keeping them little” concerns about my kids, especially my 8 year old daughter, lately…I found Dannah Gresh’s new book, “Six Ways to Keep the Little in Your Girl,” to be a delightfully encouraging read. Check it out! 🙂
Megan @ Faith Like Mustard says:
Thanks for the recommendation!
Kelli says:
Oooh…this sounds great. My daughter is turning 5 on Wednesday and I’m getting all sobby sobby, crazy mommy “Ah! She’s Growing Up Too Fast” nostalgic.
Kelli says:
Um…great POST. Sheesh.
JD says:
Shaun, I love this post. Just when we were getting some confidence in our parenting strengths, we took those adoption classes, and it was as though the magnifying glass came out, and the Refiner’s Fire began to uncomfortably burn… we’re still feeling it months later.
It also helps me to compare it to God’s job as a “Father”… He gave me the Bible, His words, His love letter, as a guideline for my life. I have no reason not to trust Him, and every reason to trust Him… and yet I fall short of His expectations. Not because He falls short as a Father, but I’m human, just like my kids.
Keep doing your best, keep praying, both for yourself and for your family, live by example, lead by example, and trust God to use these issues for good.
Mela Kamin says:
Great reminder. This is a hard one, because we all feel it. The stares and smirks and judgment when our kids misbehave or make bad choices. We want to scream, “but I told them not to,” or “they know better.” And really that silent judgment just comes from ourselves – the noisy self-doubt and guilt that rings in our ears.
Shaun Groves says:
Beautifully put. It’s almost like you’re a songwriter or something ; )
Jason Rust says:
Yeah that is really good. How easily we slip into judgement.
seekingpastor says:
This used to worry me–trying to be the perfect parent. What a silly waste of time. Now, I just try not to screw up too badly and love them a whole lot. It’s much better this way.
Joy says:
Thanks for this, totally needed right now. And yes the doubt feels like it is crushing me often times, especially when fed by well meaning family! Feeling strangely encouraged now 🙂
Jenna B. says:
That is a comforting thought. I have 3 adult children (eek) and 1 almost-adult kid, and every day I pray for them. The thing is, God never works in their lives how I expect Him to. And things always take longer than I want them to. But God knows how to get them from A to B, and I’m so grateful that I’m NOT in control. Because I can hardly be a grown-up myself most of the time! 🙂 I sure look forward to reading your blog. Keep up the good work!
Kathy says:
Since my comment was already on the tips of my fingers before I read Rebecca’s comment, I’ll say it anyway:
Wow, did I need to read this today! I just blogged about the ‘joys’ of parenting yesterday… never ending joy. Thanks for your perspective!
MJ says:
Once read an amazing quote : Perfect is incompatible with life.
Karina says:
Nice reminder. I have told my mom that she did a great job, even though my brothers didn’t turn out so well. Bahahahaha!
It also helps me parent my not so perfect children when I look at how much grace and mercy God shows to his. 🙂
Lindsay says:
Goodness, I love this one.
Such hope in the fact that, even when His own children made such horrible mistakes, He still went to the most extreme effort to bring them back into right standing with Him.
Such love. Love that I pray flows into *and* out of me…towards my children and all those around me.
Kara says:
I just had a conversation regarding this subject last night with a friend. I am a single mom. Have been for 14 years. And it seems that there is a stigma that if your child messes up, it is because the came from a broken home. Yet the criticism isn’t as harsh if they come from a two parent home.
So, it was helpful and refreshing to me, to hear that it doesn’t matter what type of home they come from, they are human, as we all are, and we ALL make mistakes.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Adam says:
I often think about this, I have seen many good parents have children that do not have the same values or morals as their parents. I don’t understand. I also see parents who do so much wrong and yet their children are fantastic, it is strange how there is no formula on how to “make” good children. I guess that helps us lean on Him even more.
Michelle ~ Blogging from the Boonies says:
Now, see… I was a perfect parent when I had just my step daughter and my Kaya. My kids stayed in line, did as I said. I looked at other parents and wondered why they couldn’t keep their kids in line.
Then I had our Luna Blue. She came out screaming and has pushed the line every step of the way.
Oh wait, it was my kids’ temperament that made them so obedient, not my parenting? That was a real shocker.
So, I send out apologies to the parents shook my head and at tsk-tsked. I stand corrected and humbled.
I have to take this parenting gig day by day. I blow it….a lot.
Sarah says:
yes, yes, yes. These truths encourage me more than I could ever put into words. I tell my daughter ALL THE TIME that I do NOT expect her to be perfect, because NONE of us can be perfect… yet I bear the suffocating weight of the pursuit of perfection every single day. Thanks for reminding me of this. Thank the Lord that he can make something beautiful of my messy, imperfect mothering.
Jason Rust says:
Really good reminder Shaun. Thank you.
Beth says:
Amen. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that even when we do our level best to raise our children the way God would intend; they rebel, disappoint, fall short, and have seemingly endless stretches of disobedience and even opposition. We’ve particularly seen this in our oldest daughter. Thankfully, all the trying times with her didn’t surprise or befuddle God one little bit. HE was always aware and in control Now that she has come full circle and is a parent herself, God’s plan has become clearer to us too.
Thankfully, when we made the decision to let her go, God still held her close.
Beth
Jen P says:
One of my friends posted “epic mom fail” on Facebook today… so I pointed her over here. 🙂
Thanks for the reminder.
jenn says:
I needed to read this today. Last night I wrote a blog post on my mommy mistakes of the day.
Also, like Kara said, I feel extra pressure to be a “perfect” parent because I’m a single mom. I’m obviously far from perfect, but I can’t help wanting to mess up everyone’s perceptions of single parent homes. But I’m not perfect and I can’t expect my daughter to be either.
Zoe Parish says:
I have a son with Autism and ADHD, plus two younger daughters. My son’s behaviour in public can sometimes be difficult, but it is other people’s reaction which makes it so upsetting. I don’t do guilt any more, though, because guilt about parenting doesn’t come from God. He only wants me to do my best. And then, if I have *reason* to feel bad, I think, “Next time, I’ll do it differently.”
I believe it is important to say sorry to your kids if you have been wrong (within reason lol, they don’t need to hear everything). Other than that, guilt is a thing of the past, a burden imposed by the world. I’m not picking that one up again! After all, where did God say “you must be perfect”? God is nice and He likes me 🙂
Sue says:
I don’t know what else to say but thanks, Shaun.
shayne says:
Great post. This is slightly off-topic, but since my daughter just recently graduated high school, and my son is 16, I’ve found myself dealing with tons of regret.
Regret because I had in my mind all these years this vision of the ‘perfect mom’ and I never once lived up to that standard. I’ve been dining on disappointment in myself when I should have been chowing down on grace. Well forget that!
I say let’s kick “Perfect Mom” to the curb and instead drown ourselves in the richness of God’s abundant mercy.
elizabeth Leonard says:
Wow, Shaun, thanks! I needed that one today. I strive for perfection at all of our expense. And look… its not even possible! Thanks for the reminder!
Jason says:
A very timely post. Much needed reminder. Thanks
Monica says:
That is such an interesting perspective. I think it goes to show that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter how hard we work at trying to be perfect parents, children ultimately make thier own decisions.
PS this is my first time on your blog, and of all the blogs I’ve been on so far, the look and layout is by far my most favorite.