I don’t know if it’s true but I heard once that Buckminster Fuller woke up blind one morning for no apparent reason. And then, some time later, he woke up one morning sighted again for no apparent reason. He reentered the world with more curiosity than before, more appreciation for beauty and science, a greater ability to problem solve and invent, full of passion and life.
Then there’s the space shuttle. It shakes and ricochets its way back to earth, nearly blown to bits in the end. It reenters Earth’s atmosphere tattered and charred.
For most of the week since El Salvador I’ve felt like Buckminster Fuller. But tonight I was the space shuttle.
Out of nowhere I got mad – really mad – at the audience. They didn’t do anything wrong. It was a completely irrational feeling that came over me. I didn’t say anything inappropriate to them – no finger gestures or four lettered words. I just sang and told my stories as usual, like everything was fine, but it wasn’t fine.
I was angry.
I was angry at the guy checking his watch while I sang asking God to take me from this world and on to one that has no time or worries.
I was angry at the girl, stage left, texting while I told the story of a girl in Kolkata who needed nothing but God in order to be happy.
I felt self-righteous – like I was the one guy in the world with eyeballs. I felt humbled – like there’s nothing I can say or do to make anyone care about the things I care so deeply about. Arrogance and futility: powerful stuff.
I caution bloggers about the dangers of reentry at the end of our trips together. We all handle the process differently. Some people get bored with life at home, failing to sense the same amount of purpose in doing laundry, taxiing kids to soccer practice or shuffling papers around on a desk all day as they’ve experienced in speaking for the voiceless poor all week. Some people get religion, giving and serving more in order to placate guilt or thinking they can get further into God’s good graces. Some people get depressed, overwhelmed by the poverty and darkness they’ve seen, forgetting the hope they encountered along the way.
I get angry. And if I don’t talk about it I burn up.
I get tired of trying to make people care – of telling my stories and singing my songs to people who appear to be unmoved…by everything.
I’m in a hotel room now and the feeling has passed. I’m thankful for the 18 kids who were sponsored, the handful of great conversations I had after the show, the hugs and sincere well-placed words of encouragement. I’m Mr. Fuller again – alive, inspired and passionate, praying I don’t catch on fire tomorrow.
Pray me safely back to Earth, will ya?
sending prayers up right now! I just got home from a Compassion training event…got to sit next to a formerly sponsored child.
Praising God with you for the 18 children who now have sponsors!
Hey Shaun,
I just wanted to let you know that i’m praying.
i’ve spent the last couple days reading through your blogs. i’ve shared many of your same thoughts, especially you latest blog. i’m lifting you up brother.
shaun… thanks for your transparency first of all. not many folks with your platform would ever even admit to moments like those.
i also feel like i know where you’re coming from, as i find myself frustrated with folks that don’t seem to share my passion for certain things. i lose sight of the fact that a) there are things that THEY are passionate about or wrestling with that i know nothing of, or 2) they really do care but i just am blind to it because i think i care more than they do. you pegged it right… arrogance.
i will be praying for you. i appreciate your prayers for me…
praying for you this morning.
One of the great mysteries of the space shuttle is that it is a glider after reentry. They call it a dead stck. The pilot is powerless to do much other than steer
It sounds like you’re doing the best thing possible given your dead stick. Relying on God.
I go on my first trip with World Vision in January. thanks for your vulnerability about reentry and other aspects of coming home to communicate. I’m greatly encouraged.
That’s how it goes with trips like that, isn’t it. It is exactly what I’m fearing when our year in Thailand is over… all the needs we’ve seen and documented, the ways our hearts have been touched to try to help… how do we get everyone we know in America to understand, or move them to help? Or how can we understand those that God has touched about different ministries, etc…
No doubt we will experience that anger you talked about. Sometimes it seems like the only way to understand is to have been there yourself…
thanks for your honesty – and for sharing your stories with us back home – and Praise the Lord for the 18 children sponsored – praying for you
A pastor who prayed for us before our short term mission trip to help build for Watoto Childcare in Uganda warned us that we would come home angry. It was good to have the “heads up”.
We came home right before Christmas.
On New Year’s Eve our worship team was singing “It’s time that we paid the price, it’s time for a sacrifice” and the anger rose within me with more force than I expected. I was thinking “and just what are you sacrificing???”
It was then I remember that pastor’s words, and asked the Lord for grace to understand those who had not been through what my husband I had just lived.
I pray that same blessing over you today!
God will shall be done, and for those of us He has filled with compassion for the lost, or the hungry or the homeless, may we follow as He leads.
Hey Shaun. I keep trying to type something and I just erase it…not sure what to say…
Know that you and Ben are being prayed for and I appreciate all that y’all are doing for The Kingdom.
I can empathize. Will be praying for you and all the returning bloggers.
I understand what you are saying and I am so glad you shared. I was in the back looking over the crowd trying to not be frustrated with exactly what you said and praying for the ones there. Then you started singing Kingdom Coming. I had an overwhelming sense of thankfulness come over me when our class students stood (without any direction from me or my Shawn) and began to hand out the packets. Seeing them serve in the name of our LORD. It was for me a moment of Kingdom Come. I became more thankful as more and more hands went up to sponsor a child. We have been stressing with our class that we are here to do for others, to love on others, and to serve and not to be served. Not the old flannel board Jesus!! It turned out to be an awesome night! Thanks to you and Ben for all you do… and for christian chicken!
Even five years later, I’m still running into this from time to time – why don’t people care more? Don’t you see the needs? Why can’t you get outside of your life for just a few minutes?
But what always made me the angriest was when someone would ask if something was a certain way “over there,” I would respond with “no, it’s not like that at all, it’s really this way,” and they would reply, “that’s what I thought – just like I said before.”
You ASKED ME A QUESTION (or came to my concert, perhaps, in your case), and you can’t even be bothered to LISTEN TO THE ANSWER???!!!!
To continue your analogy, after a shuttle returns to Earth, it is then taken to a facility where the burnt tiles are taken off, one-by-one, and replaced. Then they take 36 measurements on EACH tile to make sure that they’re perfectly aligned for the next trip.
Praying that your rehabilitation goes quickly and smoothly so that you’ll be ready for your next flight with no delays!
Just something to think about….the girl texting might have been texting someone about what you were saying…may have been sharing she was about to sponsor a child…may have been saying she was enjoying your talk and it was affecting her….
Sometimes when I look at my watch I’m looking and hoping less time has gone by than I have thought because I am having such a good time and don’t want it to end. It may not have been a ‘how much longer do I have to sit here??’ look.
It’s true not everyone will share your same passion. But they may have other passions God has placed on them, such as helping sexually abused women/girls in third world countries. A different problem, a different way of helping, but both very important. God is pleased when you do what He has asked of you. How the audience responds is not your responsibility.
I understand your anger and frustration though, but I was just trying to look at things another way.
)
One danger of writing such personal thoughts on a public blog is that some people who read them will have read nothing or little else from me before. Such a limited perspective of who I am makes such thoughts easy to misunderstand.
I said “It was a completely irrational feeling that came over me. ”
It’s not reasonable, logical or right to feel as I felt last night. That’s why the confession and the plea for prayer.
I appreciate your positive perspective, Kate. I usually share it: http://shaungroves.com/2009/10/11-tips-for-persuaders-to-a-cause/
But sometimes, against my better nature, something breaks in my heart or brain or both. It’s human. I’m human.
Thanks for the encouragement.
I can sure sympathize with what you felt. While you were gone, I would check Twitter and think “Don’t you guys know that your “friends” are in El Salvador? Why are you talking about such meaningless things? They are in EL SALVADOR – in danger to do God’s will. It’s such a strange thing. I felt the same way when my brother died…like how dare the birds sing and the sun still shine? Don’t they know I am sad?
So I wil pray for you, but since you said the feeling is now gone, I think your prayers are already answered, so I will also pray that people take your blog post for what it is and learn from your experience. Much love to you Shaun!
Cindi, you make me remember how I felt on 9/11.
I was in Washington DC and got caught up in the panicked exodus that workers were making from the nearby White House, which was supposedly the target of that fourth plane that was still in the air. Coworkers and I were hustled away by automatic weapon-toting Secret Service agents who were dressed for war. We ended up in an hours’ long traffic jam, riding in a friend’s car by the burning Pentagon.
When I finally got to my car parked in a suburban commuter parking lot, I looked up resentfully into a bright blue sky and could not comprehend why it was beautiful and not gray and overcast. So unfitting a sky for such a day…
Praying even now….
Shaun – thank you for sharing your heart with us. I was in El Salvador with the Compassion Sponsor Tour just two weeks before your trip. In fact we were the first sponsors to ever visit Santa Maria Ostuma. We were there for two days working alongside those precious people. A week after we returned home the rains from Ida came and then I heard about the mudslides.
The bloggers tour has been the only information I have been able to find about what has happened in Ostuma and I have scanned each post and each picture for scraps of information and pictures of the people there.
In Ostuma I learned the value of water in a new way. We walked with Isabel 30 minutes down the steep hill to the river to fetch water and then back up the hill with 40 pounds of water in each jug. All of this because the town water pump is broken.
http://norencats.blogspot.com/2009/10/few-photos.html
Now to think that even the little that these people have is washed away and the animals and crops are destroyed is devastating to my heart. To see Isabel and Jasmine standing in line to receive the food and water the bloggers tour was handing out was both a relief and heartbreaking because this is not some “natural disaster” that occurs far away but a personal disaster that has affected people I know.
To be so far away and to know that such devastating events have happened to people that you care about has been hard. It has been harder since no one else seems to know that it has happened or if they do know to really care much.
Shaun, the only argument I have is that it IS logical to be overcome with such feelings after having had such a different perspective on your trip. People here in the States just don’t get it. And they don’t want to get it. They (we)’re spoiled here. To the point of rotten.
I applaud your efforts to raise awareness of those brothers and sisters in need around the world. And I applaud your honesty. I wouldn’t have blamed you for speaking your frustrations right then and there. I was there, and was frustrated myself both with the turn-out (or lack there-of) and the complacency in the place.
But, please know that I was moved. Greatly touched by your heartfelt story and your music. And am prepared to make MANY adjustments in my own life and finances (priorities) on account of having seen and heard you.
Keep up the great work.
Lifting you up in my prayers…
(Btw… LOVE the rocket analogy!!!)
Prayed for you just now, Shaun. Thanks for being so real.
And asking you to pray for my mom-in-law, Janelle. She got back 4 weeks ago after 3 weeks in Kenya. Preaching revival services, seeing people saved and healed, driving out demons in the name of Jesus, so much poverty. And now back to corn country, Ohio, where no one gets it. I know she’s struggling with that.
Thanks!!
humanity. humility. hard stuff. thanks. WE needed that!