Some guys ignore their wife and kids by working long hours away from home. I’m a bigger loser than that. I ignore my family while I’m in the same room with them.
I spend a lot of time inside my own head, lost in thought about this or that, building rhymes or melodies or mulling over something I read or would like to write. Several times a day, after one of my kids has been talking for a solid minute I’ll come to and apologize: Sorry, I wasn’t being a good listener. What were you saying?
I’m afraid of what this teaches my kids about how they deserve to be treated or how they should treat others. I worry about how unimportant and unloved I make them feel every time I drift away like that.
I’m working on this.
Something incredible happens when I’m fully present. I notice my family. And I feel like I love them.
I always know I love them. But when my brain slows down and I really look at them and hear them I feel like I love them. And that feeling makes me greedy for more of them and less of everything else.
This last week in New York City, I managed to look and listen to my family non-stop for two days. And here’s what I rediscovered I love about them.
Gabriella’s eight now. She has her mom’s work ethic – always planning something, making something. Or she’s outside with friends. Very busy these days. Just as her vocabulary and maturity are making real conversation possible, I’ve got all this competition for her attention. In New York I loved just standing with her on the Staton Island ferry hearing her talk and watching her be still, looking out across the water, thinking girly thoughts about adopting kids someday and raising them on a farm with her cousin Natalie and some horses and owning an earring store too.
I love that she’s her little sister’s comforter.
How selectively brave she can be.
And how much that little sister has taught her about patience; about loving by giving up her own rights, preferences, and even photo-ops.
Speaking of the little sister: I know the day is coming when my adult children will open the pictures folder on my laptop and say, “See?? He does love her more than us!” I have five times as many pictures of Penelope in my laptop than I have of both my other kids combined, but it’s not because I love Penelope so much as it is that she loves herself. Mirrors and cameras, she’ll tell you, are her favorite things.
If you’ve ever wondered what Madonna was like as a child – and, really, who hasn’t stayed awake at night wondering that exact thing? – I give you Penelope, age four, performing for my camera, Becky and a massive crowd of one strangers.
I have lofty parenting goals when it comes to my other two kids. I want them to discover their passions and talents, to be lifelong learners; to love and obey God with their heart, head, finances, relationships, everything. I want them to be compassionate and generous, to be peacemakers, to kill conflict with kindness and to walk away if kindness fails. I want them to be holy even if it makes them or someone else unhappy. I want God’s will to be done on earth through them, for them to make the crooked straight, to introduce hope into hopeless situations. And there’s more. I have it all written down. But I just want to keep Penelope off the pole. That’s the only goal I have as her father at this point.
So far, not so good.
I love that she cannot contain her excitement and that she is never happier than when she makes someone else smile.
And then there’s Gresham, now six. He’s more boy than I know how to be. He loves basketball, football, anything with a ball. He dresses like a coach – athletic shorts, those shiny swishy pants with a stripe down the side, t-shirts with balls on them. All he lacks is a clipboard shoved down the back and a whistle around his neck.
I love seeing him juggle being a spastic goofy little boy and a teen-aged jock. He’s a strong silent fifteen year-old one minute…
…pretending he’s not at all impressed by a room full of dinosaurs.
Then he’s pretending he’s one of them the next.
I even love his weaknesses. “Smile, buddy, and I’ll buy you a hotdog.”
He’s not as impenetrable as he thinks.
I love my kids. Even better, after just a couple days of hanging out with them more than my own thoughts, I feel like I love them.
Now, how do I do that in Nashville?
You are not alone. I treat my family the same way and I will be checking back for answers (hopefully) to the question…How do I do that at home?
I truly LOL’d while reading this very sweet tribute
My husband came in while I was reading this, so I told him to go away and I”ll be present with him later.
All in good fun, of course.
Way to continue your reign as one of the funniest people I know. Penelope is your muse.
I just want to see how much of a pacifist you are when your girls are being pursued by all manner of the opposite sex. Just like my husband, I see shotguns in your future. Gresham’s too!
“Now, how do I do that in Nashville?”
I’m assuming you mean how do you act present in mind and heart, when you are physically present?
The only way I can do that is by dropping work completely when I come home.
I get the idea that it doesn’t work that way with creative types like yourself and the jobs that come with them.
Given that I don’t think there’s any chance I could attain your goal with a job like yours, I can’t offer any advice.
But I will offer a prayer that you find a way. Perhaps it’s a lame answer, but it’s all I got.
Vaya con Dios.
MB
Love it! Your kids are precious, and you are really good with that camera!
good post. needed that today. I find myself being annoyed to often by the kids and I know it’s not my heart for them. good reminder of what’s really important!
Oh, your kids are great. At night I find myself praying for my two older kids (boys, 7.5 and 5) that they become great men of character and compassion and all that good stuff. And then I walk over to my 3YOs bed and honestly, I never think to pray for her future. I just beg God to keep her from whirling off the planet.
You wouldn’t know these things about your kids if you weren’t already doing it at home, at least some. I think the key is making deliberate time to stop with all the distractions.
And, um, good luck with the pole issue!
Fantastic post! It’s good to be reminded to slow down often.
You aren’t the only one that struggles with this Shaun. For me writing (stories) and perfecting my craft as a Software Developer do not end at the employer’s door. I’m often doing these things at home or thinking about them, sO i totally understand where you are coming from.
I often find that I have to tell my family to give me a few minutes when I come in the door because my mind is not unplugged from work enough to really be emphatic to their needs. Its not that I don’t love them, there is just so much spinning up there.
I enjoyed your honest candor about your children. As parents we have so many responsibilities whirling around in our heads (how to raise them, keep them safe, preparing financially for their schooling etc.) that staying in the moment can be tough. Thanks for the post and the photos!
“But I just want to keep Penelope off the pole. That’s the only goal I have as her father at this point.”
Ha! Hilarious!
Fuh-NEE! Your love for your family is very evident Shaun. And they know it, and will be reminded of it again when they read this post years from now. Thanks for the reminder to be in the now with our loved ones. Cheers!
thank you for your honesty…i don’t think you’re alone…and it was a great reminder of where our priorities/attention should be!
The advice so far seems to be pretty much the same. Give yourself some time when you “get home” from work. I have recently started walking to and from work (it’s only 1.25 miles). So what use to be too short of a drive to call a commute is now a 20 walk which gives me more time to decompress without having to worry about traffic (most of the time). I never really thought about it in this context, but I do believe that it has helped me engage more at home. Great advice.
i feel the same…i have these great weekends with the fam and then our weeks get busier.i’m intentionally turning away extra stuff like networking events to spend more time with family.
Me too.
Thank you for this, it was JUST the reminder I needed as we approach summer.
The pole stuff was hilarious.
I have the same very lofty goals for raising up kids floating around in the back of my mind all the time. I think sometimes that’s why I retreat to my own head space, because I get scared that I can’t do all that I need to do to ensure that I teach them what they need to know. So I kind of shut down, which makes no sense. I keep forgetting that I’m not doing this alone. God did not give me these beautiful people and then say “Good luck with that.” What a relief.
Thanks for making me think today…and laugh today! If you ever move to South GA, or if we ever move to Nashville, Penelope and my Mary Beth will be best friends…or maybe worst enemies if they’re both wanting to dance on the same pole or pose in front of the same camera.