She cut me off. She made a left right in front of me. I was leaving Lowe’s – the home repair store – trying to get home in time for my niece’s birthday party. She was trying to get her Burger King fix faster.
I slammed on the brakes and skid and honked the horn. I may have said a singular bad word in hopes that the Holy Spirit can not only interpret “groanings” but also profanity to be a cry for immediate assistance, please. I was scared. I wasn’t angry. Yet.
Then she moved the phone from her hand to her neck, cocked her head to hold it in place, and flipped me off with her now free hand. I came to a stop in the road – and also a metaphorical fork. And I chose to follow her into the Burger King drive-thru line.
I pulled up beside her. She rolled up her windows without looking my way. So I screamed at her about how I have three kids and a wife who could have lost a father and husband because she was really hungry for a Whopper and couldn’t wait two seconds for me to pass by before turning. I told her she wasn’t important enough to endlessly be on her cell phone. I informed her that I’m not sixteen, I’m an adult like she’s dressed up to be, and adults talk about their problems…with words not hand signals.
I told her all that. In my head. As I was rolling down my window. But when she turned toward me and waved me away as if I were nothing more than a circling fly I had a better idea. I smiled.
“Heeeey,” I said, “I thought I recognized you!”
She took her sun glasses off to get a better look at me.
“We go to the same church don’t we?” I asked.
I wish you could have seen the blood drain from her face as she rolled down her window and forced a smile.
Of course, I was telling a lie – predicated on a safe bet here in a town where almost everyone goes to church at some point in the year. And, sure, I guess that wasn’t a better solution than if I’d shouted all those nasty things at her. But it was more fun.
.
One word: pwned.
(pardon my gratuitous use of video game slang).
that. is. HYSTERICAL!!!
I would have died right there in the drive thru. I can only imagine the look on that girls face.
You sir, are my hero.
that’s just too great!
I call that … priceless.
Brilliant!
What an appropriate way to react! I’ll have to remember that one!
Oh, that is awesome! And it WAS a better solution than shouting all those nasty things, because shouting all those nasty things would have made her mad and defensive, and what you said to her made HER recognize on her own what a jerk she was and feel guilty, and that will hopefully make her think twice before doing it again! PERFECT!
Oh my . . . too funny! Thanks for a chuckle today.
Brilliant!
Next time someone does that to me, I’m going to ask them if they go to my church, and say, so are you coming on Sunday, pastor says he has a great sermon lined up. What’s it on? Oh I didn’t think to ask. LOL
Classic. A true Texan. Nothing like a little passive aggression, Texas-style. I would say the closest thing to healthy passive aggression there is.
HAHAHAHA…. that… is amazing.
Oh gosh Shaun, that is awesome.
I love it.
Just. insanely. funny.
Mary
Just bought your book, Mary. Better be good or I’m screaming at you. Or lying to you. I’ll sin on that bridge when I get to it.
I would have thought of that….WAY after the fact. I can never think of the good comebacks in the moment.
That. Was. Brilliant.
I’m going to have to remember this just in case something similar ever happens to me! This is GREAT!
Absolutely fantastic. As an improv performer, my hat is off to you. Well done, indeed!
Holli, I’d like to thank my sarcastic friends over the year who trained my brain to be quick or be humiliated.
Profoundly brilliant.
You bought it? Yeah! And ack– I just remembered– I was going to send you one but I forgot!!! Send me your address again and I’ll send you one to give away on your blog or to a friend or something, OK?
Mary
PO Box 680055
Franklin, TN 37068
…in case anyone ELSE would like to send me free stuff too.
Of course, perhaps you will SOON go to the same church when she is too embarrassed to go back to her old one. When she sees you at her NEW church, will she know you lied to her?
No, because I’ve been off the road a while, Mike, which means I’ve let my beard grow for a couple weeks to the edge of Amishness. The beard plus a baseball hat? I’m totally unrecognizable. Of course now you know if you see an Amish guy in a baseball hat around Middle Tennessee it’s probably a lying soft rock star. But she didn’t know that.
That is the best thing I’ve read all day! Brilliant response, simply brilliant! I’m gonna have to remember to use that myself if I ever find myself in a similar situation… of course driving up to someone when you’ve had an altercation like that in Norther Virginia could be a big recipe for disaster as we do not live in a small town, and folks have been known to shoot at each other around these parts if the road rage gets to heated – yikes! Not to worry however we are still mostly civilized around these parts
.
Love it!!!
I really wish I could think on my feet that fast. Two days later, I could have come up with it, but I’m guessing she would have left Burger King by then.
Oh now you didn’t. Oh my stars, that is funny.
I’m taking note of this. Good move!
Oh my. Really? You did that? Oh my.
I don’t know whether I should be shaking my head at you or laughing hysterically.
I’m kind of doing both.
Oh this is priceless. Thank you so much.
Driving is my Spiritual Diet Issue!! I live in a place that has tons of old people in big cars. LOL
Ahhhahaha… makes me wish I lived in Nashville again. Here in Maryland I could never get away with that line…
That. Was. Gold.