There are many reasons to home school. I can’t think of them right now but I’m sure there are many. Only one comes to mind at the moment.
Public school kids, like my nephew Nathaniel, touch doors that have been touched by a few hundred kids and possibly licked as well. God only knows what those public school kids do to door handles you know?
They sit at a lunch table that’s been sneezed on, breathed on, spilled on, and spat on. God only knows what those public school kids do to lunch tables you know? And then the table is wiped down with a rag that’s wiped every other sneezed on, breathed on, spilled on, spat on table in the room. And the rag is wielded by a woman with a hairy mole in many cases. I’ve even heard there’s an actual hairy mole lunch lady quota imposed upon our public school cafeterias – the hairy mole lunch lady union keeps it so.
Public school kids, like my nephew Nathaniel, touch toilets – and walls and sinks – that boys have unsuccessfully practiced their aim on. And public school kids get touched by other kids who have touched these doors, sat at these lunch tables and used these toilets. And these other kids? They don’t always wash their hands. Also, public school kids breath each other’s mouth air.
So public school kids get sick. Yes, this is unfortunate. But this isn’t about them. Even more disturbing to me, these sick public school kids play with the pristine home school kids in their neighborhood and/or family and get them sick. The moms of home schooled kids wear denim jumpers or pleated pants for good reason: They’re specially designed to hold multiple packets of anti-bacterial wipes and hand gel. Home school kids share their door handles, toilet, table and air with only a couple people, three max, unless they’re Catholic. Their immune systems, as a result, aren’t nearly as developed as their vocabularies and knowledge of the early Ottoman empire.
And that’s why I’m very much opposed to public schools at the moment.
I decided this while hovering over a toilet at 2AM praying my dinner down. And reaffirmed this decision while shoving Penelope’s salsa-covered sheet into the washing machine just now.
Public schools are hazardous to home schoolers.
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It saddens me that I have to type these words, but there are some among us who lack the gift of interpretation for the gift of sarcasm. This post is 100% not serious.
I guess you could keep your kids in an actual bubble like John Travolta. Think how good their vocabulary would be then… They couldn’t escape!
As a public school teacher I find that I get a lot less sick than I used to for some reason. I guess I’ve been out there catching illnesses for years and it’s built up my immune system? My antibodies are highly trained agents of bacterial destruction!
I’m opposed to pediatrician’s offices for the exact same reason.
By the end of the day I might be opposed to people.
Hmm. Wouldn’t you run into this same problem at a private school?
Or maybe by “public schools” you meant schools in general?
Don’t shield them from germs! Let them experience them and build up defenses. I lick public doorknobs all the time and it doesn’t bother me one bit!
I’m opposed to public school because of their innate knack of teaching to the average, the mediocre, or the middle of the road. I want my son to be challenged, to thrive and enjoy learning. That’s why we home school. He’s only 5 1/2 and already buzzing his way through 1st Grade work, and in so doing is getting more one on one instruction in one day then most elementary school kids will get in a week at public school I imagine.
The Government and bureaucrats need to get out of schools and turn them over to the parents. that’s what I think.
Please don’t let this humorous article turn in to a heated debate about public schools versus home schooling.
Also, I second Jonathan’s opinion about not shielding kids from germs. That’s why I lick all of my students every day!
With the exception of “licking public doorknobs” I’m with Jonathan on this one. I haven’t been ‘hugging the toilet’ ill since ‘93 and that includes my wife’s semi-annual bouts of multiple illnesses(sinus infection + bronchitis, bronchitis + mono).
Mark my words anti-bacterial wipes and their ilk will be the death of humanity as we know it
Thing is, Paul, some people don’t get when I’m being humorous.
And Veretax, way to keep your track record for taking the angry Republican stance on EVERYTHING alive here. Spectacularly consistent of you.
Curious, I didn’t feel angry when I wrote that comment. Is it because i try to steer clear of passive voice? Or is there some other reason why you suspect I am “angry”?
I am tickled pink that my son is learning so well at home. In theory he could have enrolled in Kindergarten this year, but my wife and I both feel that Home Schooling is better for him at this time.
Oops. I totally missed the humor. I beg your pardon for my dense-ness.
Yes, let’s not debate.
Feel better, Shaun.
My, my. Those lacking in the gift of interpretation are well represented here today.
I loved it. And I love public schools.
Now THAT explanation doesn’t sound angry, Veretax.
But “opposed”, “knack of teaching to the average, the mediocre, or the middle of the road”, “getting more one on one instruction in one day then most elementary school kids will get in a week at public school” sounds, well, if not angry, then maybe unnecessarily aggressive? Smug? Out of place in the comments of a humorous post? A bit of a sledge hammer on the ol’ fly?
And not good PR for home schooling.
It’s OK. We’re all prone to outbreaks of passion. Just count to ten before typing. Works for me. Sometimes.
It is the “Silly Season” of politics too. It is possible my ‘passion’ bled through. As far as bugs go, I think my son will catch his share from kids at Soccer practice…. enough said there.
I’ll try and moderate my tone and thoughts next time
Shaun’s sarcastic wit is sharpened to a dangerously honed edge.
best line for me was
“Home school kids share their door handles, toilet, table and air with only a couple people, three max, unless they’re Catholic.”
classic line.. Thanks for your sarcasm
“Praying my dinner down…”
I need to remember ot use that in the pulpit sometime!
(insert “consciously avoiding the inflammatory”)
Add to your list that home school students also are far more proficient than (public) school students at (programming or whatever you do with one) ipods and MAC technology which is also heavily virus resistant…
BTW- HOME SCHOOL is becoming soooo non-PC… All of our friends lobbying us to plan for ou rone year old’s future use the term “family educated.”
Are you feeling better now?
You make me laugh, Shaun, even when you’re puking.
Feel better.
I felt a little defense rise up in me at the title, but I’ve got to say that’s one of the best posts I’ve read this week.
But I’m a fan of the sarcasm.
My children are the silent carriers of all the illness. They are rarely sick, but get blamed quite often for being the transmitters.
Now Shaun I thought that we were in totally agreement to start using our big boy voices and no longer our passive ones…..tsk tsk you girly man.
I am feeling MUCH better, noelle. Thanks for asking.
Llama Momma, glad to amuse you with my infirmity.
Shanda, offense (especially in a title) is a dang good hook.
Hey! My kids share air with quite a few more than three people, and we are decidedly non-catholic.
Just for the record.
The sickest season we EVER went through (not counting the chicken pox scourge we just weathered) was when my eldest worked for a daycare for about 6 months. Un.Be.LIEVE.able. We started to seriously consider constructing a decontamination chamber for her to pass through whenever she came home. But she quit instead. Instantly, we all recovered.
I hope you feel better soon too.
I feel your pain, Shaun. Jimmy and I were both sick this weekend. It was less than fun.
Our daughters attend a private school, though, so I would have to say I’m just against school in general…
I used to love the Fall. Now I tend to dread it.
I was inexplicably compelled to forward this post to our homeschool…err…family education association president. He’s got a very Shaun-ish sense of humor (he’s home…I mean, family educated his kids since the early 90s) and I thought he’d get an absolute guffaw from your sarcasm. Mucho kudos, Shaun!
Gosh Shaun now that I think of it…this is the first year that my kids have gone to public school and boom we are already knee high in laundry that I am considering burning. Why back in the sweet days of my childrens small Christian School we could have gotten to the second week of October easy before toliet worhip began. Perhaps I should arrange public school tours for homeschoolers and private school attendees who are considering turning over to the darkside.
the post was good and I had a smile on my face…now the comments were even better. Did everyone read the entire post? Wow, some took it personal.
Thanks for the laugh today!
“By the end of the day I might be opposed to people.”
Me too, Shaun. Me too.
Schools are bad enough…but throw in dormitories, awful dining hall food and community showers, and you have a whole new dimension to it. I can’t believe I survived it, really.
I’m just amazed that “boogers” never got named, when blame was being assigned. Seems to me that boogers have gotten off scott free here. I know for a fact that boogers, and the frequent and general incorrect handling of them, has caused more than one germicidal issue in our schools and household. Just sayin’
Shaun, my little girl just started public kindergarten a couple of weeks ago, so I don’t know if she’ll be sick more often or not. We’ll see! But I’m convinced that my kids usually get sick from going to Wal-Mart or the grocery store. Here’s an icky story for you:
When I went to Wal-Mart a few weeks ago, a lady with a toddler saw me wiping the cart down with an anti-bacterial wipe. She proceeded to tell me, “Boy, are you smart for doing that! Just last week my baby girl and I were in here and she just threw up all over the cart! So wiping the cart is a really good idea!” I almost picked up my son and went right back to the car. Yuck yuck yuck. So go ahead and lick doorknobs…just please don’t lick the grocery carts!!!
Loved the humor of the post! One thing I definitely agree with is that anti-bacterial products are probably doing more harm than good. I do use them a lot, but I’m scared about us building up immunity to them.
As a former daycare worker, I can attest to the building up of immunities in said profession. Combined with my work in a very busy emergency department and I’m pretty much immune to any germ out there to date. It’s a good thing too because with 4 kids, someone is always sick so I wouldn’t have time for toilet worship anyway.
Beth
Oh this is so wrong. I’m a homeschooling mom and I haven’t worn my denim jumper ever since I found out about fanny packs. And for what other reason would one homeschool their child, if not because of germs? Cause believe me I was fine with the boy exposing themselves to my kindergarten daughter. I actually like the idea of obscure people whom I have only meet a handful of times forcing their ideas on my children. Or even older children teaching my 5 year old son “the choking game”. But it was when my child came home with the flu, that I made the decision to homeschool. And with the recent outbreak of “Super Lice” this has only reinforced my believe that I have made the right choice;P
I think I’m definitly against daycare (especially since my daughter goes to one). Think about it, the kids really do lick the walls and the toys and probably each other there. I’ve seen it. After about a week at daycare, I stopped caring what she put in her mouth.
Loving the sarcasm, by the way. Everytime I try to do a humorous or sarcastic blog post, I have to add a disclaimer because my blog is listed on my church blogrole and someone always takes me way too seriously.
We started to seriously consider constructing a decontamination chamber for her to pass through whenever she came home. But she quit instead. Instantly, we all recovered.