However, there have been communication problems at times. I think you’re right in pointing out that guys want to be wanted, want to be shown love, just as much as women do, it’s just that for us guys, sex is a way of showing that, whereas it might take different avenues for women. (It’s not the only way that we can be shown love, of course… but it’s definitely one of the easiest routes to take.) The thing is, if it’s love that’s being shown and not just a wife quelling a husband’s desire to “get off”, so to speak, then it has to be genuine.

And sometimes we’ve had these weird interactions where she’ll initiate, but end up admitting as we’re starting to get into it that she’s too tired or not really in the mood, and I’ll be like, “Well, why did you start, then?” Because it’s more frustrating for guys to be rejected right in the middle of something than it is to just get a “No” or “Not now” right from the get-go. And my thing is, if she’s not in the mood or too tired, then that’s just the way it is, and I as a husband need to serve her by letting her rest and recover. I’m a big boy. I can wait. Even if she goes through with it, if I know it wasn’e out of genuine desire, if it was just to “do her duty as a wife” or whatever, that’s not at all fulfilling to me. I want to be wanted. I don’t want to just be someone’s obligation. I’ve had to tell her, “Please don’t feel like you have to pretend in order to appease me. I’d rather be patient and build up anticipation for the times when you really want it.” Doesn’t mean that I can never initiate, but I want her to be absolutely upfront and honest when she’s just plain not interested. Life happens. People get tired. I totally understand.

I think a lot of traditional teaching on the topic has kind of distorted what the Bible has to say about sex to married couples. Yeah, it’s something you should engage in and fully enjoy on a regular basis. But ideally you should be married to someone you have crazy amounts of desire for anyway. We’ve had too many centuries of teaching women they can’t be sexual beings and just have to serve mthe husband’s needs whenever it’s convenient for the husband, so it’s like the wife actually wanting to express herself sexually is a foreign concept, which is a shame. Fortunately we don’t have it that bad, but I can still see the residue of some of that “traditional” misinterpretation of God’s intended design for sex. It’s a celebration! Make effort to make the time and space and have the energy for it, but don’t force it or you’ll just end up resenting it in the long run.

It works the other way around, too, with women wanting to be romanced by men and all. If they can tell we’re just phoning it in, then it’s wasted effort. We men need to be conscious of the ways that our wives want to be loved, and need to develop the skill of doing it without being asked and prodded. But it needs to be from the heart. If we’re not really feeling it, and we’re romancing our wives out of a desire to show the love we have in ways that really speak to them, then there’s a deeper problem that needs to be addressed, and no amount of faking it is going to fix that problem.

Great post.  If this is the beginning of a series, can the next one be on accepting my less than perfect abilities to help with the kids, around the house, etc as the gift that it is, instead of trying to correct and make it done the ‘perfect and only correct’ way?  I’d love to have both of these to print out and hang up around the house

I actually had that “discussion” with my wife a few years ago, but prior to having the discussion I had resolved not to ask for sex before she brought it up.  It was like a lenten season, and much like lent, I didn’t quite make it all the way.  I brought up the topic to expedite the process.  The discussion was fruitful and we both came out with a better understanding of each other.

RYC: I did try to get a “big boy blog” last year (mikeknaj.blogspot.com). I spent a lot of time on it too. But when I switched I ended up losing about half of my traffic and about 75% of my comments. I eventually chalked it up to a failed experiment and moved on back over here. I prefered the Blogger format but, dang it, I didn’t want to have no-comment posts – let’s face it, I’m a comment-whore. If I could switch again to a new home that was more powerful than Xanga and I didn’t lose my readership with it I’d certainly be open to it but I’m not sure how or where that would work.

Thanks for summing that up for me Shaun.  I know Scott would agree.  I’ve come a long way in making a very conscious effort NOT to say negative things about my husband to others.  Since I’m very sarcastic by nature (my mamma didn’t beat it out of me either), it’s hard to bite my tongue when the “perfect” line is right there.  It’s easy to get caught up in that sometimes, but I’m learning.  We were recently asked to give a brief testimony in church and he went before I did.  He proceeded to tell the congregation that I am the reason he came to Christ, and he gave me good reason to leave him early in our marriage.  He attributed his success as a husband and father to me and God.  Believe me, he didn’t need any “business” socks that night!

Beth