Thanks for that.

I will say from my own tattered experience, the average guy (myself included) does seek to try this upon hearing it.  The wife will staunchly agree that this is what they need and desire.  But sometimes what happens is that when we try it, we expect it to be noticed and expect to see the promised appreciation and love back in return (not just talking sex here either).  And when it is not noticed, we not only figure it doesn’t work in our situation, but we are angry for having become vulnerable enough to try it.

LoveBusters was one book that taught that sometimes there is just not enough ‘credit’ deposited into her ‘love bank’ to make up for the account being in the negative.  And I believe it- there were many times I’d try this and find no response, and say this is just wishful thinking. 

But what I found is that it takes some real time and patience before it takes to any degree.  And even then it is not foolproof, at least in my case!  And when it doesn’t work, the viscious cycle of reeling back and thinking, I’ll look out for myself since I’m being taken advantage of here, begins abruptly.  And this of course spirals, until we address it and pick things up and try again.

Just my experience, YMMV of course.  Hope it works the first day you try it and this is a non-issue!

If you don’t mind, I’d like to recommend a book that has helped me (and my wife) a lot in this endeavor—it’s called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Basically, it takes exactly what you’re advising here, and gives you more specific ways of knowing and understanding exactly what it is that your spouse needs in order to receive the love that you are giving.

I’m not a big fan of pop psychology, self-help books, or “X number of steps to a better marriage” type stuff, and that’s sort of what I was expecting before I read this book. But I was very surprised, and can honestly say that for us, this book was a real eye-opener. It gives practical advice on exactly what it is that I can do that best conveys my love to my wife in a way that she truly understands and appreciates, and vice-versa.

No, really…do men do that?  I’ve sure never had any of that happen in my many moons of marriage. I’d probably die of shock if mine even made coffee for me.